No Answers

If I think about it..... I lose my breath.
I miss having your presence. I miss having my Dad. I miss our relationship. I look at others who have it and yearn for it back. I miss you. I want so badly to talk to you, to see you, to hug you, to tell you, "I love you." 
This will never go away.....
I hurt.
There are some things there are no answers for.

Long Time Gone

A lot has happened in the past few months. I am not one to blog a lot, but only do so when I have moments I want to remember or lessons I want to hold onto. 

I feel like this year, so far, I have been really tested. God has really reminded me of His position in my life and how He is first. 

I think about life and time more. I think about eternity more, especially since losing my Dad. I appreciate my loved ones more so also. 

My Father's passing really has effected me and reminded me life is short. I still think of him every night before I go to bed and just daily in general. Weddings are different, watching a bride walk down the aisle with her dad or the father-daughter dance. I don't struggle as much with Dad not being here, as I do with not knowing where he is now. 

I hold onto the hope he is with Christ in Heaven, but have that lurking feeling that he may not be, always in the back of my mind. I know Christ is Sovereign and His plan and Will I trust in completely.

But.......

Right now I don't know how with my time on earth I can ever truly not have this sickening pit in my stomach when losing those (including my Dad) who I love, and not knowing with certainty or close certainty that they're in Heaven. There are many people in my life I feel like if they passed I would feel, to the best of my knowledge, are in Heaven with Christ; but for my dad and others there will be that confusion. That sick feeling. That question that the past few months has just pierced at my core for me to think of. . .

Is my dad in Hell?

I don't know if I'l ever have this sick feeling go away. I know no matter the answer I love and trust in God. Sounds crazy to some maybe accepting the fact that my Dad may be in Hell and still trusting Christ. It kills to think of, but only God has the answers and I have to trust that when I pass and if Dad is not in Heaven then God will make it okay in my head and heart because there are no tears in Heaven (Revelation 21:4). I have no idea and do not claim to know how I will be okay with this fact, but I trust in Christ's promises. 

The thing I struggle with the most is the worry. I know God calls me not to worry and I know I cannot change Dad's fate no matter what it may be, but I don't know how right now in life to not worry. I guess I write this as a request of prayer from other believers to pray for me and that the worry can leave and peace can enter. I know Satan knows this is my weakness currently and I have horrible dreams and thoughts of Dad.

I really pray and hope my father is in Heaven. I really, Really do......

I love you Dad. . . 

Letter From God... I want to be your First

This is a letter I felt led to send my mother a while ago when she was in a bad relationship and going through a tough time.... Since then my mom has showed it to others and it has helped them as well.... if someone is in the same situation I hope this letter can help . . .
It's written as though it is from God ....

Dottie,

When you were young you thought you knew Me, but I was never really first. You grew into a young woman and got married you started a family and that’s around when you really met and experienced Me. You loved Me with a passion. You showed Me to others in how you lived your faith and the words you spoke. Your sisters were lost and you showed them Me. You shared Me with your children and kept Me in front of their lives even when they tried to push Me away. You showed Me to friends and held on strong to Me. I know things were falling apart. Your marriage was something you struggled through, but you let Me help you through it. You tried. You prayed for your husband, but he did not want to really know Me. You and him separated, but when that happened you also gave up on Me. When you left him you didn’t have to leave Me as well, but you did. You didn’t trust Me anymore. You took your loneliness into your own hands. You dated men I would never want a daughter of mine to date. You went out and did things that broke my heart and then you decided you wanted to come back. But you came back not because of Me, but because of another man. You saw this other man as your Savior. You saw him as your hope and thought he was what would bring you to Me and have now relied on him for everything. Staying with him may have clouded your judgment into thinking you’re back to being close to Me, but without him in your life do you really trust Me to take care of you? Do you read the books you read to learn more about Me and become more intimate with Me, or just to learn more about what I would say about your problems with Him and how you can both just use Me to win fights? Do you really trust that I could be the only man in your life? Really Dottie could you be happy with just Me? If you couldn’t be happy with just Me (your God who will never leave of forsake you (Deut. 31:6)), how could you ever be happy with a man who will fail you at times? How are you feeling now? Do you remember when we were strong even in your pain? Back when you were married things were bad in your marriage, but I was fully trusted in and I still came first. I see you cry every day. Can you really think that that is a relationship I would want you in? Do you think I want you to be tortured? Don’t you think if you fully trusted in Me and really followed my plan that you would have an everlasting joy? Why don’t you trust Me? Isn’t it Me that you will spend an eternity with? ME. All of your earthly relationships will fail you, but I am constant and it is me you will end up with so why would you not trust Me? Why will you not give Me EVERYTHING. You know I’m not happy with what you’re in now. It does not reflect Me and my bride, the church. If things were right I would give you a peace that transcends all understanding. There would not be all this pain and sadness. Please I beg you, return to Me. Trust ME! Love Me with all of your heart! Love Me first. Put Me first. I am hurting to see you in pain. I am angered to see what has gone on. I love you and I don’t want this cycle to continue. Think if you saw one of your own daughters in a relationship like you are in? What would you do? Do you want them to feel the anxiety and depression you are feeling? You are my daughter. I don’t want you feeling that way, just like you wouldn’t want your daughters to feel that way. Don’t let them learn that this is how a relationship should be. Let them see my light in you first and when people see you let them not see or think that wow she’s in a relationship that’s messed up let them see wow look at how much she loves God and trusts in Him! I love you. I want the best for you.

As I have said, from My Word,  “¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^”Jeremiah 29:11

Love,

Your Father,

God

Death

Life can Really change in an instant.......

April 22, 2013

My life changed....

The world became a different place...

Life will forever be different.

Why?

My father passed away April 22, 2013.... We knew for years he had an illness that would take him, but this was too soon. It reminded me of my parents divorce in a way... I always thought it was inevitable that they would divorce, but until it actually happened the reality of the situation was not real..... I knew my dad would die, but for me the reality of hearing my sister calling me, crying, forcing the words from her mouth that our dad was dead, was what really made everything real. My stomach dropped, I dropped, and I felt my heart feel ripped from my chest  and I started hyper-ventilating and the tears began to fall ..... WHY?

WHY GOD?

It's so surreal at first. All I could keep repeating was, "NO! No! NO! No! No!" Over and over again as if me saying, "No" could change anything. Andrew, my boyfriend, held me tight as I kept repeating over and over, "No!" .... I even believed it wasn't real until I actually saw my dad. I thought we'll get to his house and he'll be alive... This isn't real..... But I couldn't deny it as I held him while he laid lifeless on the ground. I rubbed his head, held his hand, and felt no warmth or life from him. I even pleaded holding him saying, "No" all over again, but he was gone despite my pleas. Dad was gone forever.....

So of course the questions arise.....

WHY?

Why me?

Why now?

Why God?

I'd like to say I have all the answers to those question, but I do not....

I do have though the promises God has given me and shown me through His word that He has used to comfort me.

That night, that horrible night...... God had family and friend rush to my siblings and my side instantly, Matthew 5:4- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
 God made that apparent in having several of my close friends and family available to be able to come over (two of my friends were even able to stay with me that night and one the following night).... My boyfriend got off work to be with me immediately and knew what had happened before I even did and was on his way. (He also found out about a job opportunity later in that week, which we would have thought would have moved him weeks earlier, but he was around and not working in the new job yet, so he was able to be there for me.) God provided those people at the exact right time to help me. To mourn with me. To comfort me and show me His love through them.

Days passed . . .

The memorial service was an example of more love shown through God, through people, Ecclesiastes 3:4-a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Time went on and even just last week on my birthday a song began playing from my bedroom, no one was in the room. This CD player had never gone off on it's own and my dad's CD that we made, of the songs he wanted on a CD, started playing loudly the song ,' The Man I want to Be'....

You see my dad was not the man he wanted to be at the end of life. My dad was sick not only physically, but mentally. The alcohol and pain medication controlled his body and made him into a different person than I once knew. Even in our last conversation, I got to tell my dad how much I loved him and I knew he didn't want to say or do the things he was doing. I told Him I loved him and that God loved him. God even provided that last phone call as a positive one and the last visit as a happy one (Dad getting to see our family dog he loved so much and my little cousin Lucy also came). When I was growing up and he took me to all my soccer games and cheered me on, played with me and he was my daddy. He was not this way in the end, but I believe with all my heart he wanted to be and that's why this was one of the songs on the playlist he left.

God has used so many little things to help me get through this time... Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.......

Without Him there is no doubt I could not get through this, but He is daily giving me that peace that transcends all understanding, Philippians 4:4-7 -Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Things aren't normal and I don't believe they ever will be on this earth for me again. But I trust and believe and love God more than I ever have. He has drawn me even closer to Him through this. He has held me, comforted me, and helped me to keep moving on.

God you are good.... I love you and I trust in You, even though I don't understand..... Tell Dad, 'I love him' and I'll see him again one day . . . . <3

Comforting Scripture . . .

Jeremiah 29:11 -
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Isaiah 41:10 -
'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Revelation 21:4 -
and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
Matthew 11:28-30 -
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
Zephaniah 3:17 -
"The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 -
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. "For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.
Psalm 23:4 -
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Colossians 3:2-4 -
Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.
Isaiah 40:29 -
He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power.

OvErWhelmed!

Overwhelmed.....
Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
Lately I feel like I can't really get a break....
-I'm finishing up my Undergrad and dealing with test, papers, etc.
-I'm applying for Master's programs; filling out application, writing essays, contacting people, getting recommendations, etc.
-Looking for a job; going on interviews, job searching
-Paying Bills: car insurance, cell phone, loans, gas, Christmas gifts!, etc.
-Cleaning my room and car (which never seem to stay clean:/)
-Having anxiety over not working out enough
-Dealing with my Father and his health concerns and various issues
I just have felt overwhelmed, like I can't just rest without worry lately. . . Or at least I have been feeling that way, but I am now getting a lot better. I've been praying a lot the past few weeks over all of my overwhelming feelings...... I am so selfish to get so anxious, worried, or feel sorry for myself. There are so many other people out in this world that have it worse than I do.
With my whole list of overwhelming things I need to look at the blessings with each.
For example:
~Overwhelmed with my undergrad coming to an end- HEY! I'm going to have a degree with honors! Praise the Lord that He allowed me to go to college and get an education!
~Overwhelmed with applying for Graduate schools-HEY! Isn't it great that the Lord blessed me with good grades and I can do an advanced standing program that will let me complete grad school in a year! AMEN!
~Overwhelmed with cleaning my room and car- HEY! I have a room to live in and call my own and a car! Why am I complaining!? SELFISHNESS!!!!!! It's my fault their not clean! I need to act with gratitude for the things the Lord has blessed me with and take care of them!
~Overwhelmed with paying bills- HEY! THE LORD ALWAYS PROVIDES!!!!!! Bills will be paid! Isn't it a blessing that I can afford the things Christ has given me? It's a blessing to be able to pay the bills! Thank You Lord!
~Overwhelmed with not working out enough- HEY! MY BODY IS A TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT! (1 Corinth. 6:19-20) Make time! Wake up earlier! Amen, that I am healthy and God has blessed me to live without physical disabilities!
~Overwhelmed with everything with my Dad. This has by far been the most overwhelming thing in my life, ever. But HEY!!!!!! I have a Dad and knew him before he turned into how he is now and how he acts now. My dad was at every soccer game and told me he loved me and still does. Some people never knew there dad or had them say they love them or show them love. HEY! My Dad is still alive and there is always an opportunity to share the Gospel with him! Plus I've been overwhelmed in a good way with support from church family and friends helping to pray and visit my dad! God's just showing me how many people really care and are there to support me and my family! :)
God I'm sorry for being so ungrateful and selfish at times. With all the overwhelming things in life, I know You are in control and are teaching me through everything and will give a peace to transcend ALL understanding (Phil 4:6-8).
I challenge you all that when you're overwhelmed know that someone always has it worse and that GOD IS IN CONTROL! HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE (Hebrews 13:5)”And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."  (Romans 8:28)! Amen!

Great Sermon Series!

http://www.southlandchristian.org/series/serial-dating/man-and-woman/ .... This series I've been looking at online is amazing! The link above is to the second sermon in the series. It's very inspirational. My friend, a woman I know, encouraged me to look at it. :) I'm just passing it along! :) Enjoy!