A lot has happened in the past few months. I am not one to blog a lot, but only do so when I have moments I want to remember or lessons I want to hold onto.
I feel like this year, so far, I have been really tested. God has really reminded me of His position in my life and how He is first.
I think about life and time more. I think about eternity more, especially since losing my Dad. I appreciate my loved ones more so also.
My Father's passing really has effected me and reminded me life is short. I still think of him every night before I go to bed and just daily in general. Weddings are different, watching a bride walk down the aisle with her dad or the father-daughter dance. I don't struggle as much with Dad not being here, as I do with not knowing where he is now.
I hold onto the hope he is with Christ in Heaven, but have that lurking feeling that he may not be, always in the back of my mind. I know Christ is Sovereign and His plan and Will I trust in completely.
But.......
Right now I don't know how with my time on earth I can ever truly not have this sickening pit in my stomach when losing those (including my Dad) who I love, and not knowing with certainty or close certainty that they're in Heaven. There are many people in my life I feel like if they passed I would feel, to the best of my knowledge, are in Heaven with Christ; but for my dad and others there will be that confusion. That sick feeling. That question that the past few months has just pierced at my core for me to think of. . .
Is my dad in Hell?
I don't know if I'l ever have this sick feeling go away. I know no matter the answer I love and trust in God. Sounds crazy to some maybe accepting the fact that my Dad may be in Hell and still trusting Christ. It kills to think of, but only God has the answers and I have to trust that when I pass and if Dad is not in Heaven then God will make it okay in my head and heart because there are no tears in Heaven (Revelation 21:4). I have no idea and do not claim to know how I will be okay with this fact, but I trust in Christ's promises.
The thing I struggle with the most is the worry. I know God calls me not to worry and I know I cannot change Dad's fate no matter what it may be, but I don't know how right now in life to not worry. I guess I write this as a request of prayer from other believers to pray for me and that the worry can leave and peace can enter. I know Satan knows this is my weakness currently and I have horrible dreams and thoughts of Dad.
I really pray and hope my father is in Heaven. I really, Really do......
I love you Dad. . .
