Death

Life can Really change in an instant.......

April 22, 2013

My life changed....

The world became a different place...

Life will forever be different.

Why?

My father passed away April 22, 2013.... We knew for years he had an illness that would take him, but this was too soon. It reminded me of my parents divorce in a way... I always thought it was inevitable that they would divorce, but until it actually happened the reality of the situation was not real..... I knew my dad would die, but for me the reality of hearing my sister calling me, crying, forcing the words from her mouth that our dad was dead, was what really made everything real. My stomach dropped, I dropped, and I felt my heart feel ripped from my chest  and I started hyper-ventilating and the tears began to fall ..... WHY?

WHY GOD?

It's so surreal at first. All I could keep repeating was, "NO! No! NO! No! No!" Over and over again as if me saying, "No" could change anything. Andrew, my boyfriend, held me tight as I kept repeating over and over, "No!" .... I even believed it wasn't real until I actually saw my dad. I thought we'll get to his house and he'll be alive... This isn't real..... But I couldn't deny it as I held him while he laid lifeless on the ground. I rubbed his head, held his hand, and felt no warmth or life from him. I even pleaded holding him saying, "No" all over again, but he was gone despite my pleas. Dad was gone forever.....

So of course the questions arise.....

WHY?

Why me?

Why now?

Why God?

I'd like to say I have all the answers to those question, but I do not....

I do have though the promises God has given me and shown me through His word that He has used to comfort me.

That night, that horrible night...... God had family and friend rush to my siblings and my side instantly, Matthew 5:4- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
 God made that apparent in having several of my close friends and family available to be able to come over (two of my friends were even able to stay with me that night and one the following night).... My boyfriend got off work to be with me immediately and knew what had happened before I even did and was on his way. (He also found out about a job opportunity later in that week, which we would have thought would have moved him weeks earlier, but he was around and not working in the new job yet, so he was able to be there for me.) God provided those people at the exact right time to help me. To mourn with me. To comfort me and show me His love through them.

Days passed . . .

The memorial service was an example of more love shown through God, through people, Ecclesiastes 3:4-a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Time went on and even just last week on my birthday a song began playing from my bedroom, no one was in the room. This CD player had never gone off on it's own and my dad's CD that we made, of the songs he wanted on a CD, started playing loudly the song ,' The Man I want to Be'....

You see my dad was not the man he wanted to be at the end of life. My dad was sick not only physically, but mentally. The alcohol and pain medication controlled his body and made him into a different person than I once knew. Even in our last conversation, I got to tell my dad how much I loved him and I knew he didn't want to say or do the things he was doing. I told Him I loved him and that God loved him. God even provided that last phone call as a positive one and the last visit as a happy one (Dad getting to see our family dog he loved so much and my little cousin Lucy also came). When I was growing up and he took me to all my soccer games and cheered me on, played with me and he was my daddy. He was not this way in the end, but I believe with all my heart he wanted to be and that's why this was one of the songs on the playlist he left.

God has used so many little things to help me get through this time... Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.......

Without Him there is no doubt I could not get through this, but He is daily giving me that peace that transcends all understanding, Philippians 4:4-7 -Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Things aren't normal and I don't believe they ever will be on this earth for me again. But I trust and believe and love God more than I ever have. He has drawn me even closer to Him through this. He has held me, comforted me, and helped me to keep moving on.

God you are good.... I love you and I trust in You, even though I don't understand..... Tell Dad, 'I love him' and I'll see him again one day . . . . <3

Comforting Scripture . . .

Jeremiah 29:11 -
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Isaiah 41:10 -
'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Revelation 21:4 -
and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
Matthew 11:28-30 -
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
Zephaniah 3:17 -
"The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 -
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD And whose trust is the LORD. "For he will be like a tree planted by the water, That extends its roots by a stream And will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, And it will not be anxious in a year of drought Nor cease to yield fruit.
Psalm 23:4 -
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Colossians 3:2-4 -
Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.
Isaiah 40:29 -
He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power.

OvErWhelmed!

Overwhelmed.....
Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
Lately I feel like I can't really get a break....
-I'm finishing up my Undergrad and dealing with test, papers, etc.
-I'm applying for Master's programs; filling out application, writing essays, contacting people, getting recommendations, etc.
-Looking for a job; going on interviews, job searching
-Paying Bills: car insurance, cell phone, loans, gas, Christmas gifts!, etc.
-Cleaning my room and car (which never seem to stay clean:/)
-Having anxiety over not working out enough
-Dealing with my Father and his health concerns and various issues
I just have felt overwhelmed, like I can't just rest without worry lately. . . Or at least I have been feeling that way, but I am now getting a lot better. I've been praying a lot the past few weeks over all of my overwhelming feelings...... I am so selfish to get so anxious, worried, or feel sorry for myself. There are so many other people out in this world that have it worse than I do.
With my whole list of overwhelming things I need to look at the blessings with each.
For example:
~Overwhelmed with my undergrad coming to an end- HEY! I'm going to have a degree with honors! Praise the Lord that He allowed me to go to college and get an education!
~Overwhelmed with applying for Graduate schools-HEY! Isn't it great that the Lord blessed me with good grades and I can do an advanced standing program that will let me complete grad school in a year! AMEN!
~Overwhelmed with cleaning my room and car- HEY! I have a room to live in and call my own and a car! Why am I complaining!? SELFISHNESS!!!!!! It's my fault their not clean! I need to act with gratitude for the things the Lord has blessed me with and take care of them!
~Overwhelmed with paying bills- HEY! THE LORD ALWAYS PROVIDES!!!!!! Bills will be paid! Isn't it a blessing that I can afford the things Christ has given me? It's a blessing to be able to pay the bills! Thank You Lord!
~Overwhelmed with not working out enough- HEY! MY BODY IS A TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT! (1 Corinth. 6:19-20) Make time! Wake up earlier! Amen, that I am healthy and God has blessed me to live without physical disabilities!
~Overwhelmed with everything with my Dad. This has by far been the most overwhelming thing in my life, ever. But HEY!!!!!! I have a Dad and knew him before he turned into how he is now and how he acts now. My dad was at every soccer game and told me he loved me and still does. Some people never knew there dad or had them say they love them or show them love. HEY! My Dad is still alive and there is always an opportunity to share the Gospel with him! Plus I've been overwhelmed in a good way with support from church family and friends helping to pray and visit my dad! God's just showing me how many people really care and are there to support me and my family! :)
God I'm sorry for being so ungrateful and selfish at times. With all the overwhelming things in life, I know You are in control and are teaching me through everything and will give a peace to transcend ALL understanding (Phil 4:6-8).
I challenge you all that when you're overwhelmed know that someone always has it worse and that GOD IS IN CONTROL! HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE (Hebrews 13:5)”And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."  (Romans 8:28)! Amen!

Great Sermon Series!

http://www.southlandchristian.org/series/serial-dating/man-and-woman/ .... This series I've been looking at online is amazing! The link above is to the second sermon in the series. It's very inspirational. My friend, a woman I know, encouraged me to look at it. :) I'm just passing it along! :) Enjoy!

TV (Click!)

So I'm excited! I started something new after realizing a behavior of mine that was not good. This behavior I believe many can relate to me on, watching TV! I literally watch TV like it's my job sometimes. I can watch it allllllllllll daaaaaaaaaaaaay looooooonnnnng and waste a whole day just watching TV. It's not even like I'll have a show on either that I want to watch. I mean sometimes, yeah, I will, but mostly it's just something to watch to fill up time. Time where I could be mediating with God, praying, doing devotions, working out, serving others, working on homework, so many more valuable things! Yet for years I've filled my time with watching TV! .... Why do I do this? I asked myself this recently and then I realized why it is I watch so much TV. I do it to try and ignore how I really feel about things. I use TV to ignore my problems, because when you're watching TV you can forget about what's going on around you and just numb your mind to what's going on in the fantasy TV land or focus on reality TV stars problems. I've let TV become such a big thing in my life it has wasted so much time I could have used for God. I started cutting it out just this past Monday (my new rule for myself is not to watch TV whenever I'm alone), already I can see results! My homework is getting done faster, my devotions are going better, when I cleaned my room earlier today (deep cleaned, lol, this took a few hours) I listened to praise music instead of watching TV and it changed my whole day around and just made me happier and feel better! I can't believe I didn't realize all of this sooner. I can't believe I didn't realize how much I was letting something rule over my life! I can now focus on the things I try and numb myself to not thinking about by watching TV and really find real solutions! Pray for me please! There are already times at night before bed where I just want to watch something to put me to sleep, or I want to watch 'Glee' or 'The Office' because there such funny shows, but for now 'No TV,' when I'm on my own, is my commitment to God up until a date, I think, He put on my heart (I'll keep this private). I want to watch it also when I'm having rough times in my day and wanting to just forget about what I'm thinking about, but I'm not..... It's crazy maybe for some of you to think, "Really cutting out TV is going to be this big of a deal?" But YEAH! It is!..... I didn't notice this, like I said, for years and it's not like I read something or heard a sermon that woke me up to this revelation. I know it was God who woke me up to it, because I've been earnestly wanting to know His Will for things and situations and I didn't know but a lot of time I was blocking out what He was trying to teach or show me by filling my time and energy with watching TV. He pointed this out to me and revealed that it was what was keeping the truth hidden from me and keeping me from Him.
Maybe there are things you numb your feelings by doing? Maybe it's shopping, playing video games, playing/watching sports, being on the computer, focusing only on work, focusing only on school, whatever it may be? We HAVE to have that time for God! We HAVE to let Him be our focus and what has most of our time! You can spend time with God by not only doing devotions and prayer (which I know, inexcusably though, can be hard to keep up with), but we spend time with God when we're doing things that He, Himself would do or are showing Him to others, or just are daily things really. Things like helping the homeless, volunteering, going to church services, listening to praise music, exercising while listening to praise songs, talking with God while walking around at a park, praying to Him for help on a homework or job assignment that is hard, reacting to others in a Godly way instead of what our flesh wants to say or do. There really are so many ways to make and let God have most of our time!...... Help me to do this, please! Pray for me! I'm so excited that God has corrected me and I know this will draw me closer to Him :)!

~AMEN~

Below is a story a friend of mine shared on FB. It's REALLY good and insightful!

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A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer, and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later. As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. Mom taught me to love the Word of God. Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries and comedies were daily conversations. He could hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening. He was like a friend to the whole family. He took Dad, Bill and me to our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to see the movies and he even made arrangements to introduce us to several movie stars. The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get up - while the rest of us were enthralled with one of his stories of faraway places - and go to her room read her Bible and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger would leave. You see, my dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions. But this stranger never felt an obligation to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house - not from us, from our friends, or adults. Our longtime visitor, however, used occasional four-letter words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge the stranger was never confronted. My dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home - not even for cooking. But the stranger felt he needed exposure and enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer and other alcoholic beverages often. He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (too much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the man/woman relationship were influenced by the stranger. As I look back, I believe it was the grace of God that the stranger did not influence us more. Time after time he opposed the values of my parents. Yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to leave. More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with the young family on Morningside Drive. But if I were to walk into my parents' den today, you would still see him sitting over in a corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name? We always called him TV. And now TV  has a wife named internet.
(author unknown)

Updates!

No Africa :/ I will not be going for now, but hopefully will go in the future! :) .....

.....

Another update! I've realized a HUGE thing Satan was using to pull me from God and to hide me from dealing with things in my life. I'm going to begin a fasting this thing and a few other different things in my life! I ask for your prayers as God opens my heart and eyes to what His will is.

Guidance

SOOOOO confused! I need some prayer sent my way please! I'm confused where God is leading with everything with Africa. I know that I will definitely go one day. I just don't know if the timing is right for what I have set as of right now! PLEASE PrAy for me and the Lord's guidance in all areas of my life! I want what He wants and not what I want!